This post is going to be a bit more of a heart to heart; it’s going to have a lower tone to it as I’m going to be discussing how I’ve been getting on with my mental health.
November 2018 – I was referred to a counseling service, they rang me and left me a message on my voicemail asking for me to give them a call back for an assessment when I’m free.
Being terrified at the thought of potentially have to talk about the issues that cause me to feel anxious and worried, I completely avoided doing so.
February 2019 – Until this point, I had been lying to myself, I’d been telling myself that I was doing better than I was. I was pretending like my ‘issues’ didn’t bother me anymore.
I plucked up the courage and phoned the number back.
We had a chat through the different options that were available to me, the lovely lady sent me over some information to read through too. We finally decided on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I feel slightly frightened saying this online due to the ‘taboo’ that surrounds it, however, I don’t want to be afraid of doing something that can help me.
I was feeling so positive about this like I might actually be able to talk to someone to try and maintain good mental health. Unfortunately, when I called back I was being fobbed off with have you tried googling ways to help, like yes I have. As someone who has struggled with self-harm and depression for a few years in the past, I know when things are not right.
I find it very hard to explain how I’m feeling in a few words over the phone, everything seems like a long story and not a 2-word simple explanation. When the person started telling me I am not helping myself, as I haven’t tried things on my own eg: mediating, I wanted to cry. I tried to explain that methods like that aren’t going to help with overcoming things that have happened in the past. It was like I was wasting their time and I wasn’t worthy of being able to access help, which personally I know isn’t right. It just angered me beyond belief that I was being told that.
If I was in a VERY bad place, which I am not, that could’ve pushed you to stop trying to get help. I’m left feeling confused and disappointed that I was so close but yet so far.
Despite the negative outcome I didn’t want to give up here.
I had a week that consisted of panic attacks, a lot of overwhelming negative thoughts and sadness. At this moment my heart knew I had to do something to help myself, it was time to tell the thought of ‘you’re making it all up to ‘f*** off’ and that’s what I did.
I booked myself a doctors appointment, had the kindest GP who was so understanding and helpful. I have prescribed some medication to help with the anxiety; I’m also trying to access CBT though my doctors, I’m on a waiting list currently.
I’m doing good now, never give up on yourself, you’re always worthy of feeling happy and receiving help.
Here’s a caption from one of my recent Instagram posts that summarises where my head has been at lately:
“I think it was about a month ago I had such a bad panic attack at work, my anxiety was so high every day and I knew I couldn’t go on like it. I was at a point of something had to be done or I couldn’t stay in the job I love.
I took the leap to go to the doctors and got given some anti-anxiety medication. I’ve found that a mixture of this and mindfulness has incredibly helped, I literally feel like a new person who can come with a lot more. It might sound lame but I’m proud of myself for not giving up at the moment where I felt worthless and like I was always going to be a failure. You can overcome things too”